Dear Thief: Enjoy Your New iPhone!

May 31, 2010
By mebazer

An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Wife’s iPhone out of Her Hands on the Train:

Congratulations on your new iPhone! I just know you’re going to love it, as it’s a fantastic device with an easy-to-use interface and photos of my relatives. Heck, they’re now your relatives, too — we’re on the same family plan! That reminds me: It’s your turn this year to host Thanksgiving.

But back to your shiny new iPhone, because there are a number of things you should know to ensure it gives you so much enjoyment that you forget your shame.

For starters, it’s got plenty of room for music, but we weren’t sure what kind you liked. We were hoping Simon and Garfunkel , but if not, just sync that baby up to your PC and create your own mix. (If you don’t have a PC, they can be stolen from most homes.)

Also, we had the foresight to buy you the AppleCare protection plan, so your iPhone is covered for two years if anything goes wrong — with the exception of someone stealing it.

Speaking of which, AT&T, I believe, has a policy that if you steal one of their phones, you’re locked into their service for five years. What can I say? The cell-phone companies will beat you every time at the crime game.

Now let me introduce you to the “App” store. My wife, in the one whole month she was using your phone, downloaded some great apps for you. The Facebook app, for example, works just like regular Facebook, and should allow you to easily join the Facebook Groups “iPhone Thieves” and “People Who Make Other People Cry.”

My wife also put a great app on there to help if you’re planning to redecorate your home, another if you’re looking to get into pilates, and another that helps locate the nearest pawn shop.

Unfortunately, my wife didn’t have her iPhone’s headphones out when the two of you met. And while other headphones will work with the phone, you really do want the real deal. So, if you plan on being back on the train anytime soon, perhaps we can work out a mutually convenient time when you can steal her headphones? She’d also bring the instruction manual.

Finally, just enjoy the iPhone! Use it to enhance your life, but don’t let it rule your life. Because if you’re too busy staring down at the iPhone, you’ll miss the world around you — a wondrous world full of loose-hanging purses, wallets stuffed in pants’ back pockets . . . and people like you.

2 Responses to “ Dear Thief: Enjoy Your New iPhone! ”

  1. David Seide on June 3, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Hey Mark,

    That sucks that your wife’s iPhone was stolen and that she was made to cry.

    Did you know there’s a means of shutting off or locking the phone? There’s even a means of using the internal GPS to figure out where it is! Not sure it’ll lead you to the exact spot but it’ll put you within a block radius. I found this out by attending one of those free in-store Apple presentations.

    Planning on making it out tomorrow night.

    Dave

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