Cubs Manager Mike Quade Takes a Walk to Wrigley

By Mark Bazer

“The new manager of the Chicago Cubs will walk to and from Wrigley Field, among the fans . . . . Mike Quade will share an apartment with his brother two blocks from his team’s quaint home.” — The New York Times

Fan #1: Dudes, look, it’s Mike Quade! Go Cubbies! Go Quade! Quade, I love you, man! Quade! Quade!!!!!

Fan #2: Bro, it’s pronounced KWAH-dee. Yo, KWAHHHHH-dee, did’ja see that? I got your BACK, bro! . . . You wouldn’t have any tickets on you?

Fan #3: Hey, Quade, I’ll see you inside, dude! Inside the friendly confines! Bleachers, baby! Look for me, all right? Seriously, can I confine in you and ask …

Fan #4: It’s confide, man. Not confine. As in “can I confide in you?” or “the friendly confides” . . .

Fan #3: Whatever. Quade, what I was saying — before I was rudely interrupted — was, is there any way you can do me and my boys here a solid and sit Soriano today?

Fan #2: Quade, just kidding wit’ you about the tickets, man! Unless, you know, you got some.

Fan #5: You’re the best, Quade! Any chance, man, you can tell me the bunt sign? I swear I won’t tell anyone.

Fan #3: Look, it’s completely cool if you put Soriano in during like the sixth inning. We don’t follow the game too closely after that. Just being real with ya!

Fan #6: Who is this guy?

Fan #7: Get your head out of your a–. It’s the new manager of the Cubs.

Fan #6: Ryno! I love you, Ryno!

Scalper #1: Need tickets? Need tickets?

Fan #7: Mike! Mike! Can I get a photo with you?

Fan #8: Don’t ask the poor guy for a photo. Photos are lame. Quade, if I call my friend who knows a guy who does caricatures, would you stick around for a bit?

Fan #9: Quade, you guys going to sign Pujols next year?

Fan #10: Yeah, ‘cause forget this year! Am I right or what, Quade?

Fan #11: Psst, Quade, want a hit?

Fan #12: Yeah, man, have a hit of some bud with us!

Fan #11: Have a hit of some bud SELIG!

Fan #12: Nice one, dude. Hey, actually, Quade, you should endorse Quaaludes! Quadeludes! Like Ichirolls. Anyway, you change you mind, we’ll be behind Taco Bell.

Fan #13: Hey, Mike, you ever hold tryouts?

Fan #14: You (BURP) Mike Quade! I (BURP) luf Cubs.

Fan #13: Mike, how about a tryout right here? I brought my glove, if you got a ball on you. Hey, somebody, hold my beer.

Fan #14: I luuuuuufffff Cubs. I luuuuuuuufffff you. Wanna shake your ha . . . BLEHHHHHHHH! . . . Oh, man, my bad.

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