Columns

The Day The Tooth Fairy Didn’t Come

May 1, 2013
By mebazer

By Mark Bazer   “The Tooth Fairy didn’t come” were the first things out of the boy’s teeth-deprived mouth this morning. He said it in that tiny voice he usually reserves for phone conversations or saying he doesn’t want to eat salmon.   The boy is our eldest son. The Tooth Fairy is a...
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When You Can’t Catch a Break

November 16, 2012
By mebazer

By Mark Bazer Here’s what you don’t want when you visit the ER for a sports injury. You don’t want the doctor to tell you nothing is wrong with you — and then offer you a sling on the way out like a pediatrician giving out stickers. No, if you go to the ER,...
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My Thoughts on My Thoughts on the Secretly Recorded Romney Video

September 27, 2012
By mebazer

I have some thoughts about Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s secretly recorded video. They are important thoughts. My thoughts are, I’ll admit, eerily similar to some other people’s thoughts you may have encountered — but only up until a point. At that point, my thoughts become different. Almost imperceptibly different, yes, but still different....
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Thank You for Purchasing Your Ticket(s)

July 15, 2012
By mebazer

BY MARK BAZER Dear Mark: Thank you for purchasing your ticket(s) to “Resident Evil: Afterlife” for Monday, Sept. 20, 2010. Your confirmation number is 542HJLD7. You can pick up the ticket(s) at the theater box office. Please remember to bring your credit card ending in 2764. — Your friends at Movietixdango.com Dear Mark: Just...
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Getting High off My Wife

July 15, 2012
By mebazer

BY MARK BAZER I suffered a slight break in my arm a month ago. But that’s not important. What’s important is that I was given a prescription for Vicodin. The Vicodin made me feel like everything was gonna be all right — until I started to be unable to breathe. It’s one of the...
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How to Improve Your Marriage

July 15, 2012
By mebazer

BY MARK BAZER E-mail, it goes without saying, has revolutionized how we communicate. Over e-mail, we conduct business, make plans, joke with friends, tell columnists they aren’t worth reading, the list goes on — and only gets more boring. But there’s one area that e-mail hasn’t been able to penetrate: spousal relations. This is...
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You Are Soooo Tight!: A One-Way Conversation at the Massage Therapist’s

July 15, 2012
By mebazer

BY MARK BAZER Let’s start with you lying on your stomach, you can put your gently perspiring face in that little circle where someone else just had his gently perspiring face, and, yep, that’s perfect. OK, relax, take a deep breath and let your mind go and I’ll start with . . . OH...
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Pick-Up Basketball Season Has Begun

July 15, 2012
By mebazer

By Mark Bazer It’s a pity that no professional basketball writers were on hand to cover the five-on-five pickup game this past weekend between My Team and The Other Team. And while I obviously can’t claim impartiality, I’d be remiss if I didn’t record for posterity a game so monumental. The tone was set...
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New Column: Man Vs. Plant

June 10, 2010
By mebazer

Medusa was back, and she was after my family. Not the Gorgon from Greek mythology. She’s been dead thousands of years. Rather her namesake, the plant/monster that climbs up the side of a narrow archway at the entrance to our backyard and then coils above it in an unruly mass that warns outsiders: You...
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Dear Thief: Enjoy Your New iPhone!

May 31, 2010
By mebazer

An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Wife’s iPhone out of Her Hands on the Train: Congratulations on your new iPhone! I just know you’re going to love it, as it’s a fantastic device with an easy-to-use interface and photos of my relatives. Heck, they’re now your relatives, too — we’re on...
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