NEW YORK — The Devil Rays have suffered their share of tough losses this season, but rarely has one left them as dazed and confused as Tuesday night's 20-11 mind-numbing defeat to the Yankees — a loss that included a 13-run rally by New York in the eighth inning. — Tampa Tribune, June 22, 2005

Interior monologue of Devils Rays Manager Lou Piniella during the bottom of the eighth inning:

“We’re going to beat the Yankees! We’re going to beat the Yankees! Calm down. Act like you belong here. Act like a guy managing a team that’s dominated the Yankees all season. Act like your team isn’t staying at a youth hostel on the Lower East Side.

“Who is this guy leading off for them? Robinson Cano? Is this what a $200 million payroll is getting Steinbrenner these days? They should start calling them the Yankee Rays! Note to self: Use that line at the postgame press conference.

“This Cano guy is more like ‘Can’t No.’ Another good one, Lou! Last time I was this on fire was at the Mickey Rivers roast. Or was that the Mickey Klutts roast? Never mind, concentrate on Robinson Can’t No. Wait a minute: Can’t No is a double negative, which equals a positive. And how do you like that? Cano singled.

“No problem. We got a four-run cushion. Move over Louis Vuitton, ’cause we got this game in the Louie Piniella bag! Jeter’s up? Puh-lease. Everyone says he excels under pressure, but has he ever been under Devil Rays pressure?

“So, Jeter singled. Whatever — Ruben Sierra’s pinch-hitting. Didn’t I play against him on Old Timers Day — eight years ago? Ground out! Cano scores. Big deal. We got a three-run cushion. I wonder what the wife packed me for dinner. Better not have sunflower seeds in it again.

“Lou, get your head in the game. Sheffield’s up. Maybe if I go argue with the ump, that will throw off his concentration. Hmm, if I get ejected, I can eat dinner. Too late. Single.

“A-Rod time. How should we pitch him? How would Freud pitch him? Ouch. Not like that. It’s OK. Just another base hit. Besides, we got a two-run cushion. Not bad for a team with a payroll that’s less than what the Yankees are probably paying half the 14-year-olds in the Dominican Republic.

“I’m taking Nunez out. Don’t hurt the kid’s feelings, Lou, but he doesn’t deserve a pat on the butt. Shoot, I just patted him on the butt. Guess I’m just a nice guy. Anyhow, we got Travis Harper pitching now. This kid’s 7.32 ERA is microscopic next to Nunez’s.

“Reel ’em in, Travis, Devil Rays-style! Although, if we’re supposed to be fish, I guess we wouldn’t be doing the reeling. Elude the bait, Travis, Devil-Rays-style! Or, yep, give up a double to Matsui. Still, we got a one-run cushion. But to be safe, I better start pacing. That reminds me: Check with agent regarding Rockport Shoes endorsement deal.

“Two men on, Giambi’s up. The steroids are out of his system, right? Better walk him just in case. That’ll bring up Bernie Williams with the bases loaded, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years in baseball, it’s never let a man named Bernie intimidate you. OK, triple by Bernie. 13-11 Yankees. But, hey, it’s always fun to see a triple.

“Who’s that calling on the dugout phone? Whoever it is, I am not here. What? My mother? How many times do I have to tell her not to call me here? Oh, and look: homer by Posada. Thanks a lot, Mom! When you next playing bridge, eh?

“Hey, whaddya know, it’s Cano! Say it ain’t so, Cano! How low can you go, Cano? Hey, Cano, do you take sugar — or Sweet ’N Low? Me, I prefer Splenda. Splenda, Splenda, Splenda! Settle down, Lou. Look at that: fly out to center. Two outs! Seems batting around has made the Yankees tired.

“Except Jeter. That’s fine. I can live with an infield single. And, sure, a follow-up single by Sierra. Hey, wait, did I return that book to the library? If I left now, could I make it by closing? Shouldn’t be too much traffic on the Deegan. If Sheffield gets a hit, I’m quitting this lousy job and returning the book. Let the tightwad owners manage their own stinkin’ team. Home run, Sheffield! Ha ha, 18-11 Yankees!

“OK, if A-Rod gets a hit, I’m definitely quitting. Home run, A-Rod! 19-11. OK, if Matsui gets a hit, I am not taking the team out for ice cream. Home run, Matsui! 20-11! (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive). . . .
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(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) 2005 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.