Maybe, like me, you clicked over to Google’s news page the other day. Maybe you, too, felt the need for some up-to-the-minute entertainment news. And maybe you also noticed a link to a story about Britney Spears’ new reality TV show. Maybe you then glanced just below that link to see another link — one that promised to let you view “all 273 related” stories.

And then maybe you panicked because Office Depot was closing in 30 minutes and there was no way 273 stories were going to fit into your current Britney scrapbook.

Two hundred and seventy-three different Web pages devoted to recapping Britney’s new show and accompanying publicity blitz. My word. To put that number in context, there are only 272 men left in the United States who still have mustaches.

I realize there are worse jobs in the media than being on the Britney brain-capacity beat. You could have to cover “Star Wars” fans standing in line outside the multiplex dressed in wookiee costumes.

But my point is this: Far too many intelligent, educated, grown-up journalists who should be out there making positive contributions to society are instead struggling to come up with clever commentary on the daily existence of Britney Spears and, as a story in India’s Hindustan Times puts it, “her current husband, Kevin.”

True, many of the 273 Web pages linked to by Google contained the same couple of AP or other wire-service reports. But there were quite a number of unique articles, with more than a few writers trying, in a peculiar fashion, to save face by mentioning high in their stories that you were about to read hundreds of words about a topic not worth paying one bit of attention to.

Even the venerable TV critic for the Washington Post, Tom Shales, decided to or, more likely, was instructed by his editors to cover Britney’s show. This is like asking Shakespeare to write a play about Prince Charles.

Look, I’m not arguing that there should be no coverage whatsoever of Britney. I am not insane! But in the interest of allowing all of these fine journalists to devote their skills to more pressing matters, how about this: We delegate to one person responsibility for covering the life and times of Britney Spears for the entire planet.

In my opinion, that person should be Dan Rather.
He’s the logical choice. Not only is Rather no longer the “CBS Evening News” anchor, but his other show, “60 Minutes II,” has just been canceled.

His coverage of Britney, and his coverage alone, would be featured in all newspapers, magazines, entertainment TV shows, elevator-news monitors, podcasts, Web logs, late-night talk shows, oral tales passed down in hunter-gatherer societies, etc. He could finally forget Brokaw and Jennings and Blitzer, because, lest I not be making myself clear, Dan Rather would be the authority on Britney Spears.

Now, I can already hear right-wing pundits crying foul, remembering Britney’s thoughtful commentary on George W. Bush (“Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.”) and arguing that Rather’s “liberal bias” would distort any news of the celebrated pop tart.

But I hope they also recall that Dan Rather is, above all else, a reporter, and that we can count on him to dig deep to get the story. The next time Britney says — as she did in the first episode of her show — “They look like boobs, but they’re not. They’re my knees,” we could depend on Rather not to be satisfied with that and to counter with a hard-hitting follow-up: “Ms. Spears, with all due respect, I will have to see them side-by-side to weigh that comparison myself.”

What does Rather stand to gain from this? For starters, he’d have a job. He could also feel good about liberating others from their Britney-covering tours of duty. But most importantly, if the results on Google News are any indication, by covering Britney Spears for the world, he’d enjoy an audience network anchors only dream of about.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) 2005 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.