I want a personality change. A life-altering one. It's been nearly 30 years, and I'm the same old schmuck I was when I was 3 years old — and, frankly, it's getting old.

You only go around once, but plenty of lucky people get to do it in multiple costumes. Some people go through what are called "phases," as in the reassuring maxim uttered by parents the world over: "She's just going through a phase." Subtext: "Soon, she'll grow out of it and become just like us. What size business suit does she wear again?"

At my high school, there was a tight-knit group of three girls who went through a different phase each year: as freshman, they were nondescript underachievers; as sophomores, they were tough girls who spit; as juniors, they inexplicably only wore clothing and makeup that was black or blue; and as seniors, they took advantage of the Gulf War to become hippies. I was perplexed by them - and a little envious. After all, they had identities much more defined than "schmuck." Now, of course, I realize they were just confused souls who had even less of a clue of who they were than I did of myself. Suckers!

Then you've got people who change their personality for the duration. These people know exactly who they are and don't mind declaring it to everyone. Religion is, more often than not, involved. "I am a born-again Christian. That's what I am!" It's not just a Christian phenomenon, of course. Most Jews know somebody, at least tangentially, who went to Israel on a college trip and found a black hat, a heavy black coat and a settlement that fit just right. And then there are a couple people in this world who take up the hobby of Muslim militancy.

I can't see myself having a dramatic religious conversion. Too much memorizing. I'm hoping for something more along the lines of an alien abduction. No discipline goes into getting abducted by aliens, but it still changes your personality irrevocably. Once you're abducted, there's very little you can do but talk about it constantly. Hardly anyone is abducted and then just gets on with his old life. "Yeah, I was abducted, and the aliens were pretty freaky, what with using my body for all kinds of experiments. But that happened so long I ago, I don't even think about it anymore."

The problem with being an alien abductee is that you don't get any respect, which is one of the best parts, along with a new wardrobe, of having a lasting personality overhaul. Our society, and by "our society" I mean everyone but you and me, loves people who discover a new well-defined identity. You see this when a man leaves his wife and children for another man. Instant respect is awarded.

Maybe that's a bad example, but you do see this respect when, say, a person decides, at age 35, to become a Chinese herbalist (and by that I mean, someone who is intensely interested in the medicinal qualities of Chinese herbs, not someone who becomes Chinese and is interested in any old herbs). All of a sudden everyone's impressed: "Did you hear so and so is into Chinese herbs?" "Wow, that's pretty cool." Or how about the person who used to commit crimes but is now a Model Citizen who — get this — commits no crimes.

We might not always respect the particular change a person makes, but we respect that he or she made a change. Why do these people get this respect? Maybe, going back to my experience in high school, it's because we like the fact that we can instantly sum them up. Or maybe it's because there's risk involved - and redemption. There's very little risk, and certainly no redemption, in being a lifelong schmuck.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2003 Mark Bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services