Now that Saddam Hussein is in custody, it might be valuable for each of us to reflect on how we would perform the job of dictator differently.

Obviously, if you or I were appointed dictator of a country, the first thing we'd likely do would be to declare our country a democracy and step down from the position. BOR-ing! So, for the sake of argument, let's ban this option as it kind of ruins the "If I were a dictator" exercise, no?

Given these parameters, I can tell you right off the bat the first thing I'd do if I were a dictator: I'd have a little bit more fun with the statues.

You look at statues of Saddam or Lenin or Mao, and they always come off so stiff and serious. Frankly, I don't get it - you have your country's best artists dedicated to building larger-than-life statues of your likeness, and that's the only pose you can come up with?

If I were a dictator, I'd jazz things up a bit, order statues built of me having a little fun, acting out some fantasies. For starters, I'd have constructed the "Me Waving the Ball Fair a la Carlton Fisk" statue; the "Me Walking Down the Vegas Strip with the Rat Pack" statue; and the "Wow, Our Leader Has an Appealing Penis" statue.

I'd also have a miniature golf course built in which my likeness would be incorporated into every hole: Instead of a windmill, there'd be a revolving four-pronged statue of myself, instead of a large bland dinosaur, there'd be a statue of me re-imagined as a dinosaur, and so on. There would also be a "19th Hole" serving cocktails, making the Mark Bazer Dictatorial Fun Land an ideal spot for dates.

Which nicely brings us to my next order of business as dictator: women. A lot of dictators, even "benevolent" ones, make cruel demands upon female subjects whom they fancy. I can unequivocally say that I would not be a party to any of that.

That said, it'd be a waste of a dictatorship if I didn't make my position work to my advantage in some small way with members of the opposite sex. So, I'd institute a "First-Date Law." Basically, the law would require every single woman upon reaching the age of 21 to go on one date with me, unless they were completely unattracted to me - and could prove that with documentation.

On these first dates, I would act like a complete gentleman and would not expect anything to happen because I paid for dinner and had a team of artists build a statue of the two of us holding hands. We could also "go Dutch" if the woman requested.

As for my other policies as dictator, I'd keep things simple:

— All pencils would have to be sharpened at all times.

— There'd be a standing reservation at a private booth for any member of my immediate family at the American Girl Place Cafe.

— Like in the United States, we'd have a color-coded terror threat level system in place. But unlike the United States, whenever the color changed, every citizen would get a free Popsicle of that color.

— Instead of having to deliver all the speeches myself, every citizen would be required to give one speech during his or her lifetime. People could speak about whatever topic they wanted; they could deliver it from my palace's balcony and hold my personal rifle in the air; and, beforehand, they would be entitled to three free Toastmasters lectures.

— Hell would freeze over again and the Eagles would tour one more time!

— Because I'd inevitably be overthrown for standing in the way of people's freedom, lavish, amenity-filled holes around the country would be built for me to hide in. Granite countertops a must!

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(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2003 Mark Bazer