Wedding announcements and obituaries are both fun sections of the newspaper, but how much practical value do they have? You might occasionally discover that an ex has gotten hitched or a former co-worker has died, but these are fait accompli, hardly "news you can use."

I'm not saying these sections should be abolished, but newspapers, at least during this time of year, could stand to devote a few of their pages each day to something more pressing: namely stories about those people in our communities who have the flu.

By reading the influenzary section, or, more casually, the influenzaries, or, more casually still, the fluzies, the informed newspaper reader would know, above all else, whom to avoid. Here are a few sample fluzies. (Note: These people don't, to my knowledge, have the flu. Nor do they exist.)

Mathematics Professor Harold Dumke Has Flu, Likes Math

Harold Dumke, a professor of mathematics at Northwestern University noted for his work with the number 6, has come down with the flu. He is 53.

On Wednesday afternoon, Dumke, according to colleague Nicholas Ashby, began feeling feverish and was unable to determine the square root of the number of fingers one of his students held up. Ashby, a neo-Euclidian who often doesn't seen eye to eye with the Pythagorist Dumke, added, "He never dresses in layers."

A native of Akron, Ohio, Dumke developed an interest in mathematics while working the register at his father's hardware store, and developed a heightened susceptibility to airborne viruses after accidentally turning his two nostrils into one with a miter saw while working the store's floor prior to being switched to cashier.

Dumke is being cared for at his home in Wilmette, Ill., by his wife, Mildred; his two adult sons, Sam and Michael; and, when Mildred is out of the house, professor Nancy Brecker, also of the Northwestern math department.

'Perfect Prudence' Mitchell Comes Down With 'Perfect Flu Strain'

Whenever influenza season rolled around in years past, Prudence Mitchell, 43, was always the kind of person whom flu-stricken friends and family members could count on to chirp, "Why, I never get the flu!"

Well, now "Perfect Prudence," as she's known in her hometown of Washingtonville, N.Y., has the flu real bad — a 101-degree fever, a back that feels like it's being stepped on, and chills worse than those of a dying baby chick in "March of the Penguins."

Mitchell will be taking this week off from her duties as the town's PTA president, gardening committee co-chair, preservation society official historian, youth soccer commissioner, 2095 bicentennial planning committee chief and certified Bob Ross Landscape Method Instructor.

"It's, um, you know, uh, a shame, though I'm sure she has the absolute perfect flu strain," says Mitchell's neighbor, Sally Fitzpatrick. "Also, I think she still made her 'special Rice Krispie treats' for this afternoon's school bake sale, so stay away from them."

Married with four daughters, all named Muffin, Mitchell is being cared for by no one.

Sarah Berkman, Jeffrey Rosenblatt to Overcome Flu Together

Arlene and William Berkman of Avon, Mass., have announced the passing of the flu this past Sunday from their daughter Sarah to Jeffrey Rosenblatt, son of Ellen and Thomas Rosenblatt of San Luis Obispo, Calif. The flu was passed in the traditional used-your-toothbrush-by-mistake ceremony. For reasons unknown, Rabbi Noah Weinstein officiated.

Berkman owns a public relations company. Rosenblatt is a real estate attorney at the Boston law firm Healy, Schmidt and Franklin; he is out of sick days. This is the first flu for both of them.

B-Movie Actor Chet Normandy Has Type A Flu

Chet Normandy thwarted and outmatched everyone from Mob bosses to pool hall hustlers and loan sharks in dozens of low-budget movies in the '40s and '50s. But the former B-movie actor has found one nemesis he's unable to outwit: Type A influenza.

Known in his heyday as "the poor man's Robert Mitchum" for his prominent nose, sleepy eyes and dimpled chin, Normandy, now 76, still has a prominent nose and sleepy eyes but his chin dimple is currently covered over with mucous.

Normandy, who most recently had a bit part in the WB teen drama "One Tree Hill," is being cared for and stripped of movie memorabilia at his Hollywood studio apartment by his landlord, Roger; his fourth ex-wife, Celeste; and the president, secretary, treasurer and member of his fan club, Henry.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2005 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.