"When I feel like I'm in a rut, I remember it's the little things in life that are important, like riding a bike with a friend or eating ice cream with my baby niece." — Michelle Kwan, figure skating champion

The above quote appears on Starbucks coffee cups as part of the company's "The Way I See It" series featuring advice and inspirational messages from "notable figures."

Below the quote reads: "This is the author's opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks."

Starbucks Executive 1 (pacing his office): Did we get Kwan's quote in yet?

Assistant to Starbucks Executive 1: Um, I don't know.

Executive 1: You don't know? The fate of the company may be at stake and YOU DON'T KNOW?

Assistant: I think we may have . . .

Executive 1: Well, how about getting it to me, huh? Did that ever occur to you? Hurry up!

Assistant exits. Executive 1 picks up the phone and dials.

Executive 1 (on phone): Yeah, it's me. Get in here - looks like Kwan might be in.

Assistant re-enters.

Assistant: Sir, it just came in five minutes . . .

Executive 1 (grabbing piece of paper out of Assistant's hand): Let me see that! (reading the quote) No. No way. (burying his head in his hands) Oh, why me? Why? Kwan!!!!!!!!!

Starbucks Executive 2 enters.

Executive 1 (picking up his head): This is a nightmare. Take a look. Wait, read it out loud. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not as bad as I think.

Executive 2: "When I feel like I'm in a rut, I remember it's the little things in life that are important, like riding a bike with a friend or eating ice cream with my baby niece."

Executives 1 and 2 (in unison): It's worse!

Executive 2: Michelle Kwan is a sick, sick person.
Assistant: I think it's kind of sweet.

Executive 1: Sweet? Sweet!

Executive 2: Your assistant is a sick, sick person.

Executive 1: "When I feel like I'm in a rut." OK, the beginning's not that bad.

Executive 2: It could offend people who live in ruts.

Executive 1: (to Assistant) Find out what percentage of our customers are rut-dwellers.

Assistant exits.

Executive 1: "I remember it's the little things in life that are important." This is not good at all.

Executive 2: Maybe we can convince Michelle to change that to "it's the venti things in life." Buy her a new pair of skates or something.

Executive 1: She might as well have just said, "It's the little independent coffee shops that are important."

Executive 2: Heck. That would've been preferable. Instead, she's talking about "riding a bike with a friend." Does she have any idea how dangerous bike riding can be? Does she want us to get sued?
Executive 1: Correct me if I'm wrong. When she says "riding a bike with a friend," she means just one bike, right?

Executive 2: Yeah, otherwise, she'd have said "bikes."

Executive 1: So, not only is she advising people to ride bikes, she's telling them to have their friends ride on the handlebars!

Executive 2: When I bring up the venti thing, I'll also ask her if we can change it to "like riding a bicycle built for two with a friend while well-padded."

Assistant re-enters.

Assistant: Um, sir?

Executive 1: Yes, what is it?

Assistant: Well, I checked into the rut thing. It turns out it's just an expression. No one actually lives in a rut.

Executive 2: I beg your pardon. I grew up in a rut. Everything I have today, I worked . . .

Executive 1: Settle down. My assistant doesn't know what she's talking about. I mean, my ex-assistant. You're fired! And we'll also ask Kwan if she can change the sentence to "When I feel like I'm in a hut." I'm sure we have fewer hut-dwelling customers than rut-dwelling ones. Less folks to offend.

Executive 2: We've got bigger problems. Her next part: "eating ice cream with my baby niece." Ah, hello, last time I checked we don't serve ice cream. Why doesn't she just make her quote: "Hey, get up, leave Starbucks and go next door to Baskin Robbins — and if you don't have a baby niece, kidnap an infant!"

Executive 1: Forget consulting Kwan. We're changing that to "drinking espresso with my non-kidnapped baby niece."

Executive 2: So, now it reads, "When I feel like I'm in a hut, it's the venti things in life that are important, like riding a bicycle built for two with a friend while well-padded or drinking espresso with my non-kidnapped baby niece."

Executive 1: Excellent. Let's grab a drink before we review the Dakota Fanning submission.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2004 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.