Let me start off by asking you two questions:

First, does your boss allow you to set off stink bombs in the office?

Second, does your boss allow you to microwave Lean Cuisine meals in the office?

My guess is that the answers, in order, are: “no” and “yes.” Or perhaps, “I don’t know, it’s never come up” and “yes.” Either way, there is a major problem.

Now, this column might not gain me much favor in my own office, and it might even be seen by some co-workers as the most despicable act of passive-aggression in recent memory, but I feel it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

The issue begins, as most do, with the personal. Every day, from around 11:45 a.m. to 2 p.m. in my office, there’s what could most accurately be called a Lean Cuisine Parade.

Instead of twirling a baton, or holding up an Underdog balloon, the marchers in this parade — all of whom I ordinarily dearly love — clutch cardboard-box time bombs with code names such as “Cheese Lasagna Casserole,” “Stuffed Cabbage with Whipped Potatoes” and “Glazed Turkey Tenderloins.”

As each marcher makes his or her way past my cubicle to the microwave, waving and blowing kisses at me, I know doom awaits. For in a convenient matter of minutes, the marcher will be back, triumphantly carrying a steaming, putrid plate of something calling itself food.

No matter the type of Lean Cuisine, the odor is always the same. I wish I could put into words exactly what this odor is. Maybe Gary, Indiana, meets the Jolly Green Giant with a touch of TV repair shop?

All I know is that long after the marcher and the meal are past, The Stench remains. It moves into my cubicle, then into my clothes, and later, into my dreams. Yes, thanks to Lean Cuisine, my nightmares now include smells.

But this is not just my problem, or that of my co-workers (oh, how I feel for the folks who sit right across from the microwave!), or that of offices anywhere where Lean Cuisine Parades are held. No, The Stench has a negative, trickle-down effect on nearly every part of our society:

Economy: Ironically, employers probably put microwaves in offices to encourage their employees to eat at their desk and thus get more accomplished. But after The Stench has infiltrated an office, a boss is lucky if any stapling can get done. This lack of productivity can then cause companies to move their jobs overseas to countries that don’t have Lean Cuisine.

Education: Citizens aren’t likely to vote to increase taxes to fund the schools when they know that even a tiny proportion of the money will go to buying faculty lounge microwaves where Lean Cuisines will be heated up — in dangerous proximity to our children.

Technological Innovation: Had microwave inventor Percy Spencer known about Lean Cuisines, he surely would have kept the microwave to himself. Now, scientists have learned their lesson, and thus are less likely to even attempt to invent things that could unintentionally have a malodorous effect.

Environment: If humans can barely survive the Lean Cuisine Stench, what effect can it have on the prairie dog?

Homeland Security: Remaining vigilant as citizens is all but impossible once The Stench is in the air. We can only hope that The Stench hits any of our potential enemies first.

So, how we do solve the Lean Cuisine problem? Maybe the answer is to temporarily allow stink bombs in the workplace. The stink bombs will show all the Lean Cuisine eaters what the rest of us have to go through — and, just as importantly, they have no calories.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2004 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.