I had a few free hours this weekend and felt that itch we all get from time to time to conduct an interview with a movie star. But when no movie star would return my calls, I decided that, rather than waste my carefully prepared questions, I would just interview a non-movie star to whom I had unlimited access — myself.

After tweaking my questions a bit, I interviewed myself in a suite at the Econo Lodge. Unlike movie stars who often only give a reporter 10 minutes, sometimes at a roundtable full of other journalists, I made the most of this rare opportunity to be interviewed and gave willingly of my time. The transcript came to around 10,000 words. But with space limited here, I thought I’d share with readers just the juiciest bits.

Mark: You’ve been married for four years now to another non-movie star. Tell me about that.

Mark: Things are going great. Gina, my wife, is a wonderful person, and, yeah, as you mentioned, she’s not a movie star, either. I think that helps, you know? I mean, we both understand what it’s like to be a non-movie star — the pressures, the empty bank account, the dirty dishes.

Mark: You both lead busy lives, though. Plus, I hear that Gina’s computer is in the dining room, and yours is in the spare bedroom that you’ve turned into a office. Does that distance create a strain in your relationship?

Mark: Oh, no doubt about it. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship when one of you is always working on one end of the apartment and the other person is working on the other. We just try to make the time that we do spend in the same room together special.

Mark: So, what do you do when you’re together? I presume, the usual stuff, like going to movies….

Mark: No, no, we’ve made it a policy never to go to movies together. We found out it’s just better to keep that stuff separate from what’s really important, which is how we feel about each other. And so, we also never discuss with one another the movies each of us has seen.

Mark: So, you’d never see a movie together?

Mark: Well, I won’t say never. If the right movie came along, and it wasn’t sold out, then maybe.

Mark: Is it true that when you got married, you sold your wedding photos to your parents for $5,000?

Mark: OK, it’s true. Listen, I know it sounds bad, but the truth is, if we hadn’t sold them the photos, they were going to get them anyway, right? They’d have found a way. They always do. So, both Gina and I figured: Why not sell them the photos and then give the money to charity or use it to pay off our credit card debts? My sister blew it all out of proportion.

Mark: And then you ran into trouble with your in-laws and the pregnancy rumors, did you not?

Mark: (laughs) Yeah, well, you know, anything for a story when it comes to those mass-mailing holiday letters. Gina’s mom, scrounging for something to say, put it in her letter to friends and family that Gina was pregnant. But I can categorically state that it’s not true.

Mark: Have you had any problems in the marriage?

Mark: I don’t want to answer that. I mean, marriage is a private thing, and I ask that you respect that. I wouldn’t ask that question about your marriage. All I can tell you is that Gina is my best friend.

Mark: Of course, if we turned that logic around, then your best friend, Matt, would be your wife.
Mark: This interview is over.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.