As Thanksgiving and Christmas draw near and thoughts of spending time with loved ones begin to warm the heart, please take a moment to reflect on how you can help those who are less fortunate. There are currently more than 1.8 million people in this country who will spend this holiday season working at large pharmacies in close proximity to mechanical, 4-foot-tall, singing Santa Clauses.

The federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration estimates that from November though the end of the year, these 1.8 million hardworking Americans will be subjected to 10.5 billion renditions of "Jingle Bells," 23.9 billion renditions of "Frosty the Snowman" and 75 billion recitations of the festive holiday greeting "Ho, ho, ho" (that's a total of 225 billion individual "ho's).

As a result, these pharmacy employees will swallow 3.3 billion doses of Excedrin, stick 137.8 million earplugs or other available objects into their ears, and contemplate moving to Iran 1.4 trillion times. But statistics only tell part of the story. Santa tells the other part, as he is able to recite "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" whenever customers press the green button on his plastic belly.

And they press it a lot.

It is also impossible to quantify the frustration that results when store managers threaten to fire employees who punch in the nose a mechanical, 4-foot-tall, singing Santa Claus that won't shut up. To add injury to insult, should an employee decide to administer a beating to a singing Santa anyway, nearly all store managers will fire that employee before he can use his employee discount to purchase a bandage for his hand.

The detrimental effects of mechanical, 4-foot-tall, singing Santa Clauses that won't shut up do not stop at a pharmacy's automatic doors. Indeed, they can be felt far beyond. Studies show that after their shifts, pharmacy employees often take their Santa rage with them — into their homes and communities. In the past five years, as the life expectancy of these mechanical Santas has increased significantly thanks to advances in battery science, incidences of violence against Christmas carolers have risen seventeen-fold.

There is hope, however, and that hope is you. For only $69.99 -- the price of a Venti Half-Soy, Half-Skim, Pumpkin-Spice Latte With Extra Pumpkin — you can purchase a mechanical, 4-foot-tall, singing Santa Claus that won't shut up, and put a team of pharmacy employees out of their misery, at least until the store manager grabs another Santa from the stockroom.

However, if enough people heed this call, pharmacy stockrooms will run out of Santas, and then the distribution centers will run out, too, and, with luck, eventually China will as well. And perhaps, on Christmas Eve, those pharmacy employees stuck at work will at least be able to truly enjoy a Silent Night.

We know that, during this season of gift-giving, your household budget is tight. We know that you've already given to many other worthy causes this year. Frankly, we know a lot about you. And one of the things we know is that you don't like to see people suffer, unless they are people you don't like. So, please, together — and only together — we can grant some peace and solace to those who over the years have so discreetly rung up our antidepressants and Ding Dongs.

Please note: We are not asking you to bring a mechanical, 4-foot-tall, singing Santa Claus that won't shut up into your home. And we are not liable for anything that may happen should you do so. Instead, we ask only that you properly discard your Santa. To help in that effort, during this holiday season we will be providing 4-foot-tall trash receptacles outside every major pharmacy.

Every evening, our trucks will deliver the discarded Santas to a central garbage dump out of earshot of all Americans, except, of course, those 27 individuals who work at the dump. We are currently drawing up a campaign to help these people.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2005 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.