When the topic of my column comes up at parties, the number-one question I get asked by friends and family is: Can you please tell Dave Barry to start writing again?

Their second-most-frequently asked question is: Do the media have an agenda?

Many members of the media who report on and analyze the media will tell you that the media does indeed have an agenda. But some of these media critics say the media are biased in favor of the left, while just as many argue that the media are biased in favor of the right. At least that's what I read in stories by members of the media who report on and analyze the members of the media who report on and analyze the media.

That said, the only way to uncover media bias, or to determine whether a publication has any kind of agenda - whether it's political or not - is to examine the course that a specific sentence in a news story takes on its way into print. I will now do that, though, please, I beg you, do not continue reading if you don't want the magic of journalism revealed.

OK, let's take the following hypothetical sentence that could have been written by a reporter working in a media outlet's Washington bureau: "Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald announced at a press conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff."

After this sentence is written, the reporter sends it to his primary editor. This editor, being a communist, changes it to: "Special Counsel and People's Hero Patrick Fitzgerald announced at a press conference yesterday the indictment and virtually certain conviction of Vice President Dick Cheney." He then e-mails it to the fact-checker and copies China's Minister of Information.

The fact-checker changes the subject of the indictment back to "Scooter" Libby and then - to meet his fact-fixing quota for the day - adds the middle initial "J" to Patrick Fitzgerald's name.

At this point, a senior editor returns from his three-martini lunch and bumps his head on the fact-checker's computer monitor. Deciding to "get back into the trenches," the senior editor rolls up his sleeves and inserts five typos into the sentence. Also, accustomed to seeing double, he adds another middle-initial "J" to Fitzgerald's name.

Now, the sentence reads, "Special Coun4sel and People's Hero Patrick J.J. Fitzgerald announced at a pre&ss conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lbewis 'Scooter' Libby, Vice Presi?dent Dick Cheney's chief of staffg."

Next to tackle the sentence is the 18-to-34-year-old demographic editor whose job is to spice things up with pop-culture references in hopes that the average age of the publication's readership can be lowered to 82. After he's done with the sentence, it reads, "Special Coun4sel and People's Hero Patrick J.J. 'Dy-no-mite!' Fitzgerald announced at a pre&ss conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lbewis "Scooter" — hey, remember that dude on 'The Muppet Show?' — Libby, Vice Presi?dent Dick Cheney's chief of staffg."

The sentence is now ready for the advertising department. The entire department meets for six and a half hours and makes the following change: "Special Coun4sel and People's Hero Patrick J.J. 'Dy-no-mite!' Fitzgerald announced at a pre&ss conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lbewis "Scooter" — hey, remember that dude on 'The Muppet Show?' — Libby, Vice Presi?dent Dick Cheney's chief of staffg, and check out the wide selection of 'Good Times' and 'Muppet Show' DVDs currently on sale at Best Buy!"

The sentence is then e-mailed to the publisher's secretary, who prints it out and brings it into the office of the publisher, a member of the John Birch Society. The publisher replaces "People's Hero" before Patrick Fitzgerald's name with "Pinko Traitor," crumples up the piece of paper, grabs his seven-iron and hits the sentence back to the newsroom.

The sentence lands on the copy desk, where a copy editor fixes four of the five typos and changes "Pinko Traitor" to "Pink-Hued Traitor."

Finally, the sentence reaches the design department, worded: "Special Counsel and Pink-Hued Traitor Patrick J.J. 'Dy-no-mite!' Fitzgerald announced at a press conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lewis 'Scooter' - hey, remember that dude on 'The Muppet Show?' - Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staffg, and check out the wide selection of 'Good Times' and 'Muppet Show' DVDs currently on sale at Best Buy!"

But, alas, the sentence is too long for the space provided on the page. And so with two minutes until the publication has to be "out the door," a layout intern fixes the remaining typo and then hastily shortens the sentence to:

"Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald announced at a press conference yesterday the indictment of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff."

So, the answer is no, the media do not have an agenda.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2005 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.