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By Mark Bazer
Now that it’s officially summer, it’s an excellent time of the year to be stuck in a conference room. But before you head into your next marathon meeting, it’s a good idea to be prepared. After conducting an exhaustive study of countless offices across the country — though not mine! — here’s a sampling of the characters you may be up against.
The Extender
When everything that needed to be said at a meeting has been repeated five times, when employees are attempting to lift their half-asleep bodies out of their chairs, and when the boss says, “Well, unless there is anything else left to discuss,” that’s when The Extender strikes.
She pulls the “actually” weapon out of its sheath and goes to work: “Actually, there are still some issues surrounding the . . . ;” “Actually, I was hoping I could get people’s input on . . . ;” “Actually, I had a fascinating dream last night . . . .”
And when the meeting finally is adjourned, you’d better make a run for it, because The Extender will latch onto one unsuspecting co-worker and turn the walk back to the cubicles into the dreaded “moving meeting.”
The Slinker
From time to time, most of us forget about a meeting, only to glance up from www.espn.com or www.kittenwar.com long enough to notice that everyone is gone, even the co-worker who eats breakfast, lunch and dinner at his desk.
But there’s a certain breed of employee — The Slinker — who makes an art form of it; 15 minutes into every meeting, The Slinker slinks into the conference room, getting that inscrutable look from the boss. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room feels really bad for The Slinker. Nah, who am I kidding? Everyone feels great.
Finally, after seeing that there are no available chairs, The Slinker perches himself on the air conditioner, and the meeting continues uninterrupted for 45 minutes until the He’s-Probably-On-Coke-Guy wanders in.
The Doodler
As The Doodler scribbles furiously away on her notepad, she is either defiantly bold or just plain clueless, because everyone in the room knows she’s not taking notes in hieroglyphics.
There are two types of doodlers: the jovial cartoonist drawing goofy caricatures of her co-workers, with even goofier machetes sticking into their heads; and then the dour, possessed pattern-maker, head down, digging her pen into every inch of her notepad with maniacal precision. Sitting next to the latter type, you can only hope the meeting ends before she runs out of space and she explodes, the pieces of her body splattering all over you.
The Jokester
On rare occasions, The Jokester says something funny at a meeting; nine-tenths of the time, though, his attempt at “meeting humor” is no less weighted down with cliches than the corporate-speak he’s interrupting.
If the boss announces, “Everyone can leave early Friday to get a head start on the weekend,” The Jokester is quick to respond with, “But we don’t have to, right?” Or if the teleconference equipment isn’t working, The Jokester will say, “I can fix it,” and then incorporate a little physical comedy into his act by pretending to toss the phone out the window.
Co-workers may chuckle, but it’s out of politeness, or even reflex. Whereas most laughter heals, this kind can cause a small cyst to grow on one’s inner left thigh.
I’d go on about The Jokester, but this is hitting a little too close to home.
The Talker
Ah, The Talker. It’s so lovable the way he thinks that, despite his position as the guy who waters the office plants, his opinion should be heard on every single topic of discussion.
But just as it’s worth watching a player move without the ball in basketball, the best part of The Talker’s performance comes from paying attention to the boss twisting and turning as he realizes his meeting is being hijacked.
And then after The Talker has spoken his piece, there’s always that wonderful moment of silence before moving on, when everyone takes a moment to recall if they have resume paper at home.
The Boss
The Boss is a brilliant, articulate human being who leads all meetings with an unparalleled grasp of the issues facing the company. She has absolutely no faults. At least my boss is like that, on the off chance she’s reading this.
(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) 2005 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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