Mark Bazer is on vacation this week. He is also on assignment. Plus, he has the flu. And we can't forget to mention he has jury duty. Mark Bazer, it must be said, is also dealing with some personal family matters this week, such as his sister-in-law's abortion and his teenage nephew's drug problem. For more information, you can e-mail him at Mebazer@yahoo.com. Mark Bazer maintains, however, that there is no column today because he can't wait for the government any longer and has spent the past week pasting photos of Ronald Reagan on all of his dimes. Mark Bazer, though, is really off this week to research which of the 50 available Elton John greatest hits collections best fits his needs. He wants the CD to include "Tiny Dancer" and "I'm Still Standing," but under no circumstances can it have "Crocodile Rock." Mark Bazer is, by the way, also on leave so that he can devote more time to his upcoming first book, in which he argues that the two greatest advancements in American society in the past 20 years have been frozen pizza technology and the amount of information provided in baseball box scores. Alas, Mark Bazer cannot seem to get off the phone with a fund-raiser from the state's fraternal order of police. He doesn't want to give them any money but fears he will be arrested or shot if he hangs up, and as a result there is no column this week. Unfortunately, Mark Bazer has also been in a state of shock - and thus unable to write anything - ever since discovering over this past weekend that Sara Lee's slogan is not "Nobody does it like Sara Lee," but rather, "Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." Mark Bazer is at the same time on paternity leave and should be back next week when the Asian features on his and his Caucasian wife's baby become indisputable. Sadly, Mark Bazer's column isn't running today because he is spending an inordinate amount of time this week checking and rechecking to see if he turned off the oven and locked the front door. Plus, Mark Bazer will not file a column at all this week as he is part of the team you may have seen on the evening news that's helping Saddam Hussein with some of his old dental problems. The truth is, Mark Bazer's column is actually running in some editions of this newspaper today, just not the one you're holding in your hands. No, honestly, Mark Bazer had submitted a column consisting of highlights from his past columns in case he was ever off for a week, but he then determined it really only worked if the love theme from "St. Elmo's Fire" played in the background while it was being read. Mark Bazer then offered a replacement column that looked back on the meaningful events of 2003, but we nixed that one, too, because he couldn't remember anything that occurred before October. Regardless of any of the above, Mark Bazer has been suspended as this newspaper's editors are seeking to determine if the columns he's written about his life represent a conflict of interest. Also, Mark Bazer mentioned something about not being able to think of anything to write about this week. XXXXX (Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.) (c) 2003 Mark Bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services

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