Office supplies are kind of my thing. I go to Office Depot just to browse. On job interviews, when they ask, “Now do you have any questions?”, I always request to see the office supply closet. And when I lie awake at night thinking about my future, my thoughts drift inevitably to someday hosting a public television art program like Bob Ross — only my medium will be highlighters, the set will resemble a meeting and each show will last three-and-a-half hours.

The other day, I was part of a panel at the Chicago Cultural Center discussing the history of scissors, and a bright, college-aged woman in the audience, getting a bit off subject, asked me to name my favorite present-day supply. I was stumped — there are so many I have strong feelings for.

High up on the list, though, would undoubtedly be college-lined paper in the light-purple color because it gently, yet decisively, questions yellow-lined paper’s sense of entitlement. Paper clips also deserve mention, because where else in the world can you get 1,000 of something for under $2 — besides, of course, genital warts at a Bangkok brothel.

Let me also commend Scotch tape, for it not only comes in handy at the office but is a blast in social settings. If you want to get a laugh at a party, try this: Stick a small piece of Scotch tape to your lower lip and go around asking people, “Is there something on my face?”

Now, I don’t like to bash any office supplies, but had that inquisitive young lady at the Cultural Center asked me to name my least-favorite office supply, the one that really gets my blood boiling, that would’ve been easy — Post-it Notes. I hate those goddamn things.

I hate Post-it Notes’ sickly pale yellow color; it’s like they can’t decide whether they want to be white or yellow. I also, hate, though, when Post-it Notes come in neon multicolored packs, as if the Post-it Note company thinks that’s our idea of fun. How condescending can you get?

I hate that the protective back flap on a pack of Post-it Notes falls off immediately, leaving the last Post-it Note to get filled with hairs and crumbs.

I hate that Post-it Notes stay stuck on a piece of paper for no more than two days and on your computer monitor for no more than two hours. But when you want to use a Post-it Note as a piece of scrap paper to give a friend your phone number, it will stick to anything, indefinitely.

I hate how nobody ever has anything nice to say on Post-it Notes. It’s “Please fix” at best, “Kick me” at worst.

I hate how Post-it Notes erroneously go around thinking they’re still the new office-supply on the block.

I hate how when a pack of Post-it Notes breaks, you suddenly have two packs of Post-it Notes. Is any office supply more wormlike?

I hate when you get down to seven or so Post-it Notes left in a pack. You look like an idiot keeping them around, so you just throw them out, and that, my friends, is wasteful.

I hate how dorky I feel when I ask a co-worker, “Do you have any Post-it Notes?” You can’t make it sound cool, like other office-supply requests, most notably, “Hey, man, you got a pen?”

I hate that the Iraqi and North Korean regimes use copious amounts of Post-it Notes.

I hate that when I think about Post-it Notes, I get so angry, irrational and, well, psychotic. Where the hell is my stapler? I really need to be with my stapler right now.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(C) 2003 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.