MarkBazer.com: Humor Columnist
MarkBazer.com: Humor Columnist
|
|
|
|
|
By Mark Bazer
Dryers protect the environment.
They save trees from being used for paper towels.
They eliminate paper towel waste.
They are more sanitary to use than paper and help maintain cleaner facilities.
— A public-restroom electronic hand dryer
Yo, Electronic Hand Dryer, so why you got to be like that? That's right, it's me, your old pal Paper Towel here. See, I finally got around to reading the propaganda you're spreading about me. Apparently, you've been blowing this hot air for a while now, but I've been rather busy. 'Cause, you know, people actually use me.
I can't quite tell, though: Are you being smug or desperate, or some peculiar combination of both? Whatever. Any way you slice it, you're more full of you-know-what than a mop that's cleaned the floor of a New Jersey highway rest stop men's room.
Dryers protect the environment. Puh-lease. Heck, you couldn't protect a guy from buying the condom machine's neon variety, let alone the environment.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Electronic Hand Dryer: Those who protect the environment are lobbying Congress for better fuel standards, or collecting money for Greenpeace, or out encouraging their neighbors to recycle. They're not stuck in a wall.
They save trees from being used for paper towels. Yeah, and I save metal from being used for electronic hand dryers. In other words, what's your point?
Me, I used to be an oak tree. And guess what? It sucked. Insects were always crawling all over me, birds dropping their stuff on me. By comparison, this is the life.
In a world where trees can be turned into nudist-camp magazines, IRS forms and books by Scott Peterson's sister, did it ever occur to you that trees might welcome the opportunity to become paper towels?
They eliminate paper towel waste. Well, now you're basically repeating yourself. But, fine, I'll deal with it. Dude, we are r-e-c-y-c-l-e-d now. And everybody's happy (except you, of course). Environmentalists love it. And so do we, because, similar to the Hindu belief in reincarnation, the better we are in this life, the better chance we have of coming back in the next as a really plush paper towel at the Four Seasons.
They are more sanitary to use than paper and help maintain cleaner facilities. How pathetic. You've sunk to the level of scare tactics. I bet they love to dry their hands with you over at Homeland Security.
It's the same contempt you show for your users when you explain how you work. "1. Push button. 2. Rub hands gently under warm air. 3. Stops automatically." Oh, so that's how it works! But I still need help! Do I use you before or after I wash my hands? (And, no, I am not the one who's been etching "4. Wipe hands on pants" below the instructions, but I applaud whoever is doing it.)
Or, maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe, in your isolated little world, you actually imagine doctors telling their patients, "You really need to lay off cigarettes and paper towels."
Listen, Electronic Hand Dryer, I didn't want it to come to this, but two can play your game. So, on behalf of my fellow paper towels everywhere, here are some Paper Towel Talking Points:
— Paper towels are cognizant of a world outside of this restroom.
— They are more sanitary, as you never know if someone has put anthrax spores inside an electronic hand dryer.
— They have the decency to let people decide for themselves when they're done drying their hands.
— They, admittedly, are no match for Scissors, but they beat Rock every time, whereas the electronic hand dryer isn't even in the game.
— They believe in God.
I could go on, Electronic Hand Dryer, but by this point I think even you, despite your blustering, can understand what I'm saying. And, besides, I have to go wipe off the hands of a woman who looks just like Heidi Klum. Have fun protecting the environment!
(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) 2005 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC
|
|
|
MarkBazer.com: Humor Columnist
|
