Nobody likes a quitter . . . unless he causes a scene at the office on his way out. By doing so, the skilled quitter can turn the usually low-profile practice of quitting into a bold act of heroism. But as spontaneous and crazed as the quit should seem, it must follow, like a saleable movie script, certain unalterable principles.

BEFORE THE QUIT

— Make Sure You’ve Forwarded All E-mails to a Personal Account

You may not realize this, but the same company that took a week and a half to install your computer when you started can turn off your e-mail account within 30 seconds after you proclaim, “I quit!” Even the smallest firms have a full-time staff of 15 technicians dedicated solely to shutting down quitters’ e-mail accounts.

— Take Advantage of This Time for a Once-in-a-Lifetime Pickup Line

One minute before quitting time, confidently stride up to the co-worker you’ve pined for since your first day at the job and say, “I love you. I want to always be there for you. And because I have a strict policy against dating co-workers, I am quitting for you.” It won’t turn into a relationship, but she/he may help carry your boxes out.

— Place as Many Office Supplies as Possible Into Your Boxes

This step should go without saying. Still, those who’ve never abruptly quit before may not realize how valuable having your own office supplies is when you begin looking for a new job. The following sentence is music to any interviewer’s ears: “Did I mention I’d bring my own medium binder clips to the position?”

THE QUIT

— What to Say

Loudly denounce inane company practices and cruel treatment from bosses — and, even if you don’t mean it, the entire corrupt capitalist system. (To add more drama during this last part, violently throw your wallet into the trash.)

— Demand to Be Escorted Out by a Security Officer

There are three reasons you want to do this: First, it makes for an indelible image that will cement forever your outlaw hero status in the minds of co-workers. Second, it’s a nice gesture to the security officer, who, in most firms, earns a medal for his uniform every time he escorts an ex-employee out. And finally, quitting is ultimately a lonely game, and it’s nice to have a shoulder to cry on as you make the final descent.

— Use the Office-wide Intercom

Turn the intercom system that has driven you crazy for so long into your greatest asset. Why limit your semi-coherent rants to the few co-workers in your vicinity when you can make everyone in the company pay heed? You won’t get even one person to follow you out a la “Jerry Maguire,” but you can get some laughs — laughs that’ll sustain you in your unemployment. The best quitter gets creative, using the intercom to croon a departing ballad to his boss. “‘Til There Was You” from “The Music Man” makes an excellent selection. (Note: If your office does not have an intercom system, bring your megaphone.)

AFTER THE QUIT

—Grovel for Your Job Back

Many quitters assume the quit is completed immediately after speaking the words “I quit.” Not so fast. A good post-quit strategy is vital. Groveling for your job may not seem the most dignified step, but pay attention. Even the cruelest boss often takes pity on the groveler (while basking in the power that comes from receiving the grovel). What does this mean for you, the quitter? Loss of pride? Sure. Disrespect from co-workers? Certainly. Severance pay? Just maybe.

— Treat the Exit Interview Like a Presidential Press Conference

Human Resources will want to know why you quit, what problems you had, and maybe even how you think the company can improve. The quitter’s reply to these and all other questions should be, “I am afraid I cannot comment on that particular question at this time. What I can tell you is that I quit. I’ll take two more questions.”

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) MARK BAZER
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