It's just not worth it to go to the movies anymore. Didn't it seem like yesterday that movies cost $6.50? Now you're lucky if you can see a film for $8.50.

Even if you do have $8.50, don't think you can just waltz into the theater and see a movie. No, you've still got to park the car ($3) and buy popcorn ($4.50) and a drink ($3).

Then add the cost of a baby sitter ($30), plus the food she steals from your kitchen ($10). And if you don't have children, you've got to hire a kid ($25) so the sitter's not bored.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not going to want to see the movie alone. Now we're talking escort fees. That'll be $250 minimum — and that's for an escort with a venereal disease. A safe escort is going to run $500. Already, we're up to $584.

But none of this takes into account if the film stinks. If you're like me, a terrible movie will make you angry - so angry that you run out in the middle of it, buy a knife ($150), and bring it back to the theater to slice up the screen.

Of course, this involves re-parking the car ($3). So before you even begin slicing up the screen, you're out 737 bucks. That's nothing, though, compared to what a new screen's going to cost you: $18,000.

Plus, don't forget you're responsible for refunding everyone's tickets. Say there are 50 people in the theater. Multiply that by $8.50, and you're at $425. You can expect a few of these folks to demand you reimburse them for parking. Let's say eight do, for a total of $24. Add that to the $425, tack that on to the $737, and don't forget the $18,000. You're now down $19,186.

You're also facing a lawsuit from the cinema's owner. And so, you do what any person in your situation would. You kill the cinema owner so he can't sue. Now here you save a few bucks by reusing the knife. But be prepared for steep legal fees for the murder trial, not to mention the dry-cleaning bill ($8.25) for your bloodstained clothes.

It's going to take a costly lawyer to help you out of this jam. I'm going to be conservative and estimate $30,000. But there's no way the jury's going to find you innocent. So you'll appeal and appeal, and the legal fees will definitely reach $150,000.

Don't forget that every time you go to the courthouse, you're going to have to pay for parking. In the long run, you're better off getting a parking sticker for the year; they run $250. Total so far: $169,444.25.

You didn't expect to keep your job during these trials, did you? It may not be money spent, but it's certainly money lost. Forty thousand, to be exact. Then, add on the money it'll cost to apply for part-time jobs you can hold when you're not in court. Resume paper can be expensive! You'll need two boxes of resume paper ($18). Oh, and envelopes ($5).

It's all for nothing because you'll be found guilty. Before you thank your state legislature for rejecting the death penalty, think again. Turns out Sony theaters, like American Indian reservations, have independent nation status. And they have no qualms about using the electric chair (newer ones have drink holders).

Sony provides the chair, but they don't pay for your last meal. And you like lamb, the most expensive dish on the menu. It's $18.50. Plus wine ($45), dessert ($8) and tip ($10).

Finally, $209,548.75 in the hole, you're ready for your last rites. But as you rot in hell, others will pay for your sins. Someone will make a movie out of your life, and poor suckers everywhere will think they can go see it for just $8.50.

XXXXX

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2003 Mark Bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services