The group Swift Boat Veterans for Bush, er, rather, Truth, has created a maelstrom of media attention with its TV ads accusing Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of lying about his military record in the Vietnam War. Emboldened by its success, the group has released five new commercials meant to set the record straight about pressing matters:

Where Have You Gone, You Stinkin' Liar Joe DiMaggio?

Al French: I listened to Yankees games on the radio in 1941.

Bob Elder: I listened to Yankees games on the radio in 1941.

George Elliott: Joe DiMaggio has not been honest about his 56-game hitting streak.

Louis Letson: I know Joe DiMaggio lied about his triple off pitcher Sid Hudson on May 28, 1941, because I was the shortstop for the Yankees that year. *

Bob Elder: Joe DiMaggio is no baseball hero.

* The New York Times has learned that Phil Rizzuto was shortstop for the Yankees in 1941. Letson was at the game - as a fan - but, according to several witnesses, he was in line for a hot dog during DiMaggio's triple.

The Wheel Truth

Roy F. Hoffman: George Ferris has not been honest.*

Adrian Lonsdale: And he lacks the capacity to invent a round, impossibly slow, rotating amusement ride.

Bob Elder: George Ferris is no Ferris wheel inventor. It was, um, invented by, you know, some other guy, and named because the guy, well, the guy loved "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."**

* In a 2003 Boston Globe article, Hoffman said that Ferris' invention of the Ferris wheel "took guts and a buttload of steel."

** The New York Times has learned that "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," a John Hughes film starring Matthew Broderick, was made in 1986, 93 years after the debut of the Ferris wheel at the World's Columbian Exhibition in 1893.

The Mahatma Was Full of It

Adrian Lonsdale: Mohandas Gandhi lacks the capacity to fast.*

Larry Thurlow: When the chips were down, the Mahatma ate them. Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles, 3D Zesty Ranch Doritos, Flamin' Hot Cheetos, you name it. He especially loved Doritos-flavored Fritos.**

Shelton White: He betrayed the men and women he fasted with in India.

Louis Letson: I know Gandhi is lying about his first fast because that afternoon I treated him for food poisoning.

* In 1996, Lonsdale said of Gandhi, "He was among the finest of those fasters."

** The New York Times has learned that Frito-Lay won't start selling Doritos-flavored Fritos until 2008.

Theorem Schmeorem

Al French: I added and subtracted with Pythagoras.

Bob Elder: I multiplied and divided with Pythagoras.

Van O'Dell: Pythagoras lied to create his theorem. I know, I was there, I saw him fudge the numbers.

Jack Chenoweth: His account of what happens when a-squared and b-squared are added together and what actually happens when they're added together are the difference between night and day.

Bob Elder: Pythagoras is no mathematician.

Don't Believe Everything You Read ... Even Exists

Roy F. Hoffman: Mark Bazer has not been honest.

Al French: He is lying about having a column that satirizes our ads in today's paper.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2004 Mark Bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.