Even in this age of e-mail and cheap long-distance rates, mailing off a thank-you note after receiving a gift remains proper etiquette. For those who were married this summer, recently celebrated an anniversary or a birthday, or still hope to get out thank-you notes for gifts from last Christmas before this year's rolls around, here are some sample notes guaranteed to show your undying gratitude:


Dear (name of cheap relative),

Thank you so much for the generous monetary gift. And that the bill features Abraham Lincoln — my all-time favorite president! — made it all the more special. I do regret, though, that I was unable to heed your wish of not spending "it all in one place." But, I swear, it was only in two places -- the drugstore for this card and then the post office for a stamp.

Love,

____________

****

Dear (name of wealthy relative whom you last saw in the 1970s),

Thank you so much for your unbelievably generous monetary gift. How did you know I liked gobs of money?

I hope to see you soon! That said, I would never want to be a bother and am certainly satisfied with our current relationship in which you send me a fat check once a year and I thank you and then say I hope to see you soon.

Love,

______________

****

Dear (name of spouse),

Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. When I reflect upon the incontrovertible fact that I never — not even once in our lengthy marriage or in the five years prior that we dated — mentioned I had even the smallest hint of interest in whatever it is called that you gave me, I realize you must truly know me better than I know myself! I also am elated that you are mindful of our household budget.

Love,

______________

P.S.: Do you think other husbands and wives mail each other thank-you notes?

****

Dear Mom,

Thank you so much for the beautiful — and colorful — sweater. I had never heard of "lamb's polyester" before. Anyhow, I will definitely wear the sweater well in the privacy of my home. Wouldn't want any of the rough elements in the big city to steal it from me!

Also, while I appreciate the fact that you mentioned 34 times that I could return the sweater if I didn't like it, I also appreciate that the store you bought it from has a no-return policy.

Love,

__________

****

Dear (name of friend who always gives gag gifts),

Thank you so much for the hilarious gift. If you ask me, too few gifts these days are disposable. In the midst of all the other oh-so-serious, "useful" presents given to me, it was such a pleasure to receive the annual reminder of your sense of irony, whimsical nature and great love of dollar stores.

Your friend,

______________

****

Dear (name of person whom your family housed as a foreign-exchange student 15 years ago),

Thank you so much for the unique gift from your beautiful region of your incredible country. How did you know I had been eyeing one exactly like it for some time at Pier One?

More importantly, I still cannot believe we have kept in touch through all these years and systems of government in your country.

Your American pal,

__________________

****

Dear (names of co-workers),

Thank you so much for the unexpected gift. It more than makes up for the fact that over the past seven years no one in the cubicles neighboring mine has once said "bless you" after I've sneezed.

Please weigh the intensity of my thanks in strict proportion to how much money, if any, you put in the collection envelope that was passed around while I pretended not to notice. Anyhow, I will always treasure the paperweight -- and be sure to get good use of it whenever I use paper in windy areas.

Sincerely,

___________

Dear (name of 80-year-aunt who just got access to the Internet),

Thank you so much for the e-card. It really brightened my morning to receive an e-mail telling me I had received an e-card from you and prompting me to click on nine different links before getting to that cute animated puppy expressing its good wishes to me. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to mail you this thank-you note. Mom mentioned that you had been wondering if I had received the e-card, so, again, I do apologize.

Love,

___________


(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(C) 2005 MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.