I'm willing to bet that no one received a worst gift during the holiday season than my infant son. Fortunately, he seems unfazed.

It's a small rubbery thing that's very, very close to being in the shape of a football. There's no doubt it's supposed to be a football, but to actually call it one would make you feel like a little bit of a liar - and what, pray tell, is worse than lying to a child!?

If, like some baby toys, this rubber thing had come with a book, the title would have been "The Ball Who Wanted to Be a Football." (Note to self: Write that story during lunch hour today and sell it to one of those children's publishers that considers three cardboard pages and 20 words a book.)

Anyway, this almost-football is covered in a design that's very, very close to being the American flag. It's red, white and blue, with stars and stripes. But, again, there's something off — mainly in the shade of blue used — and one likely wouldn't pass a polygraph test calling it the American flag.

Now, please understand, I would never have any problem having an actual American-flag football around the house. The last thing I want is for you to think I'm like most people in the liberal, satanic mainstream media who buy their children footballs featuring the flag of North Korea. No sir, I am a patriotic flag-throwing American.

But back to the almost-football. On top of the almost-American-flag design are the letters USA. Fine idea, but they're printed in what, based on my best guess, is 48-point Helvetica. Helvetica! The font that's come free with every computer since 1982! At the very least, the company that made this so-called toy could have expended the effort to scroll all the way down to Zapf Chancery.

Then, the coup de grace. Also on the almost-football are the smaller words "Made in China." Now, I've seen actual small American flags that said the same thing, so I can't pretend to be shocked by this. But, still, it's unnerving, especially when the manufacturer didn't even consider that it might be a bad idea to put "Made in China" almost directly under USA.

Now, I honestly don't know which relative or friend bought this gift for my 6-month-old, nor do I want to know. All I know is that it has for some reason been sitting on my bathroom-sink counter for the past week, causing me to wonder when I brush my teeth which is in a worse state of decay - this country or my gums.

OK, that may have sounded alarmist, which isn't my intent. There have, of course, been junky items for sale at least as long as the letters D, I, S, N, E and Y have been in existence, and I'm sure this country and maybe my gums have at least 20 or so good years left.

But, at the risk of sounding like an "in-my-day" old man, what has happened to the pride - in what we give one another, in what we design and manufacture, in what we dress in our star-spangled banner, in how we introduce our children to violent, homoerotic athletics? In other words, how can I, living in the only nation I want to live in, at the height of its wealth and power, only weeks away from something called the Super Bowl, look my baby in the eye and say, "Son, this is your first football. Do me and your country proud."

I don't know, maybe the president can ban these things. I mean, if he has the power to eavesdrop on us . . . . (Speaking of which, I love the word eavesdrop so much more than spy. Spy sounds so cold. So harsh. Eavesdrop is fun and innocent, as in, "Oh, look, it's our president eavesdropping on us again. He can be so silly!")

Seriously, though, every few years, the flag-burning amendment comes up. And it's always contentious, even as most Americans understand and appreciate both sides of the issue. But perhaps we can save ourselves the bitter fighting and just ask the president and Congress to get behind an amendment banning almost-American-flag-decorated almost-footballs made in China. Or at least banning people from giving them to my son. Who could oppose that?

In the meantime, I'm off to the sporting goods store to get the boy a real football and some steroids.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2006 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.