To paraphrase Diana Ross ( for the first and let's hope last time ), I cooked a turkey, and I want the world to know!

That's right, Thanksgiving 2003 will always be remembered at the Bazer household as the year that yours truly made the turkey and that the words "really moist" were bandied about more than at the Paris Hilton film festival.

But I'm not about living in the past, oh no. Instead, I want to pass along what I've learned in hopes that you, too, can someday - perhaps as early as Christmas - muster the courage to stick a dead turkey in the oven and then sit around doing nothing for four hours.

Step 1: Buying the turkey

I advocate going to Whole Foods or a similar healthy market so that you can be sure to get a turkey without any hormones injected into it. This way, when you get the turkey home, you can inject the hormones of your own choosing.

Step 2: Cleaning the turkey

Your turkey will likely be bloody, especially if, like me, you get a nosebleed while carrying it home. I used Windex to clean my bird, but any reputable household cleaner should do.

Step 3: Removing stuff

Remove turkey parts from inside the bird that don't look edible. Save these things for the gravy! Also save the bag your turkey came in and your receipt as they too can add flavor to the gravy.

Step 4: Brining not required

This is not really a step per se, but I'd like to point out that you do NOT have to brine (otherwise known as sticking in saltwater) your bird overnight to achieve excellent results. Remember how moist and Hilton-esque my brineless turkey was? To any brining snob who wants to challenge me on this, I invite you to me meet by the flagpole outside of Tribune Tower and we can settle this matter the way Ann Landers used to deal with reader complaints.

Step 5: Adding spices and such under the skin

It's remarkably easy to slide your fingers under the skin to rub rosemary, garlic, butter, what have you, directly onto the breast meat. This is the step when you begin to connect with your bird on a cosmic level, when you feel as if you've entered the Turkey Zone. This is a remarkably pleasing feeling, but, be forewarned, it may lead to resentment during the meal as you watch guests - guests who can't possibly understand your turkey like you do — thoughtlessly tear into the meat.

Step 6: Preheating the oven to 325 degrees, placing turkey in roasting pan and adding 1/4 inch of water or chicken broth to pan.

To execute this step, preheat the oven to 325 degrees, place turkey in roasting pan and add 1/4 inch of water or chicken broth to pan.

Step 7: Putting the turkey in the oven

All previous steps have been leading up to this, and as you gaze lovingly at this turkey you've come to know so well, now is definitely not a good time to be overcome with a sudden conversion to vegetarianism. This happened to me, and I dropped my turkey out of the pan, yelling, "Go free, my beautiful bird, go free!" The turkey, long dead, hit my filthy floor with a thud, and I had to then go back and repeat steps 1 through 6.

Step 8: Foiling and basting

After the turkey's skin has become a light brown (about 45 minutes), place a loose cap of aluminum foil on top of it. Take the foil off with 45 minutes left to cook. Meanwhile, baste like you've never basted before. The turkey is ready whenever one of the following happens: the thermometer pops out or it's two hours after the time you said dinner would be served.

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(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

For a great turkey recipe, click here: http://thanksgiving.allrecipes.com/az/RosemaryRoastedTurkey.asp