By Mark Bazer In a couple of weeks, President Bush will deliver his State of the Union address. I was lucky enough to get my hands on an advanced copy. While much of the content is familiar from his last State of the Union, what’s different this year is that Bush has called on the menu-writing staff at T.G.I. Friday’s to draft the speech. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress and fellow citizens: Hi, my name is George, and I will be serving your country again this year. I would like to take this opportunity to tell you a little bit about our agenda for the coming months and to also let you know about some special plans we have. First, can I start anybody off with our Homeland Security Sampler? The sampler includes olds favorites like Guantanamo Skewers that have been grilled to perfection, as well as our brand-new Fingerprint Sandwiches. Today, as a special treat, I believe all of the items in the sampler have been smothered in an orange sauce. It might, though, be the standard yellow sauce, so I’ll have to check on that. Either way, it’s our guarantee to you that after one bite, you will begin to really fear the fear that we’ve lovingly put into this signature starter of ours. Another popular starter is the Unemployment Compensation Poppers. Now, I haven’t tried them myself yet, but I can tell you that they’ve been contemptibly prepared from an old family recipe and are then drizzled with indifference. I should also mention that we’re currently out of the Head Starters. For our main courses of action, we’ve got an international flare going on a couple of our mouth-bloodying offerings (and we hope to add more soon!). My favorite item available right now — and something my staff has toiled day and night on until I could finally say “Mission Accomplished!” — are the Iraqi Sloppy Joes. They’re just $87 billion, and as we like to joke around here, they come with a side of Kurds — but we hold the whey! And contrary to what a certain former governor says, these Sloppy Joes are much safer for you since we’ve got the Mad Dictator in custody. Plus, you also get a side salad made from greens grown in 100 percent Halliburton® fertilizer — that’s over a $2 billion value! Then, of course, we’re still serving up our old standby, the classic Afghanisandwich. Now, this is not your ordinary nation-building sandwich, though, as we’ve done gone and removed the bread! We faithfully promise that the Afghanisandwich will bring out the warlord in ya! It’s with great regret that I can’t tell you about our Korean Barbecue special, but we’re still trying to perfect the Kim-Il-Jong-Chee. Some of my staff are concerned that with the ingredients we’ve currently got, it could end up more like South Korean-style barbecue. We do offer some items with tastes closer to home, including our specialty, the Medicare Mush. Frankly, I couldn’t tell you what the heck goes into it, but many of my friends seem to absolutely love it. Now, I also see that many of you out there have children. If these pint-sized Americans can solve all the standardized find-the-CIA-secret-agents word searches on their placemats, they’re eligible to order off the Leave No Child Behind menu. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: I myself go crazy for the chicken-hawk fingers. Finally, retreating from Iraq is not an option — but dessert is! Make sure you save room for our heavenly Baked Alaskan Caribou, which we douse in a thick, black sauce. May God bless that thick, black sauce. XXXXX (Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.) (c) 2004 Mark Bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services

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