You’ve got to figure the majority of Americans have been inside of O’Hare Airport. But, in their hurry to get downtown Chicago to American Girl Place, or to catch a connecting flight, you’ve also got to figure that most of these travelers have not paid any attention to the sign advertising veal.

And that’s a shame, because the veal ad is without a doubt the airport’s ugliest feature.

Midway may now sell better food, but I always choose O’Hare, just so I can gaze in wonderment at the veal ad, especially the photo of Veal Piccata with Capers. Capers should never pose for pictures; they don’t photograph well.

Along with the Veal Piccata, the ad features photos of three other veal specialties: Classic Veal Parmigiana, Grilled Veal Chop and Country Veal Stew. Three of the dishes seem to be in competition for featuring the palest pasta side dish, and all the meals look straight off the menu of an old, bland Expensive Restaurant. But then again, the washed-out photos would be probably most at home in the window of a Chinese restaurant in a bad neighborhood.

In the middle of the sign, against a red background and in gold lettering, are the words “Get Veal Satisfaction.” But that’s only one of the veal slogans on the sign, and hardly the best. There’s also “The Taste of Elegance” and, by far and away the winner, “Its Velvety Smooth Succulence Is Only the Beginning.”

Just the beginning? What happens (ITALICS) after (END ITALICS) the velvety smooth succulence?

And, more importantly, what were the veal people thinking? “Hmm, pork is ‘the other white meat’ and beef is ‘what’s for dinner,’ but those slogans are a little too catchy. And, oh, those poor promoters of other meats, they just don’t have the luxury like we do of using the word ‘velvety.’”

The veal ad is one of those signs that are lit from behind and line the beige corridors of airports everywhere. But it’s a completely different animal from most of these signs, which tend to so brightly tout telecom companies that you feel ashamed of yourself for not owning a corporation.

No, the veal ad, which only a dull light can penetrate, belongs to an era gone by. The sign would be more at home next to airport signs of yesteryear advertising the latest mimeograph machines. For a long time, I thought the veal sign was one of those ads you sometimes see, usually on back-road billboards, and assume have somehow been long-forgotten by both the company and the billboard space owner.

But this past weekend at O’Hare, I noticed for the first time that there were two of these veal ads on my path from the terminal to the subway station. Yes, if I’m not mistaken, the veal campaign, unlike the baby calves, is alive and well!

But, listen, I am a hypocrite, because I have, on at least one occasion I recall, partaken of veal’s velvety smooth succulence. And maybe what I’m secretly wishing is that the sign was a little more sleek, with a short and sweet slogan and maybe the Olsen twins posing with a veal juice moustache and convincing me that eating veal was too cool to feel guilty about afterward.

But, not to worry! Veal USA, the marketing organization behind the veal ad, says on its Web site that “far from the four-sided ‘crate’ portrayed by some activist groups, modern veal stalls are designed to partition the animals only up to the shoulder level” and that “calves can comfortably lay in a natural position, stand up and groom themselves.”

Well, I can’t say that makes me feel much better, but I can strongly urge you, the next time you find yourself at O’Hare, to quit your mad rushing, and to take a moment to stop and smell the veal.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)

(c) 2004 mark bazer, Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.