Dear Sally and Bob on the Eve of Your First Wedding Anniversary,

Gosh! I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. It seems like yesterday that I watched you exchange vows. I will never forget your smiles that day or the beautiful poems you asked every guest but me to read at the ceremony. And, believe me, I am still sorry that I, technically, “kissed the bride” before you had a chance to, Bob.

Anyhow, the reason I’m writing is a little embarrassing, but, well, I still haven’t bought you two a gift. It’s crazy, I know! I kept thinking, “I’ve got a year to do it, I’ve got a year to do it,” and, now, what do you know, the year has passed. I did receive your thank-you note, though, and, while it might have been a bit impersonal for my tastes, I do appreciate it.

So, I guess the question on all of our minds right now is: Since the year is up, do I still, in fact, need to get you two a gift? Does anyone know the protocol on this? I am certainly willing to — but only if that’s the appropriate thing to do (and, of course, if your marriage is still working out; Sally, do you ever think about that eye contact we made while you were at the altar?).

I also want to make sure that I get you something you’re going to absolutely love and that makes you think of me every time you use it. How about a cake server, like the one Bob rudely removed from my hand when I offered to help Sally cut the first piece of cake? Nah, you probably already have one of those.

That’s the problem I’m facing. Surely, you already received everything you need from other guests who rushed out to buy you something before your wedding because, unlike me, they were afraid that if they waited, they’d forget about you. It’s times like these when you really get to know who your real friends are.

By now, I doubt there’s anything nice left on your registry. Sheesh, I remember staring for hours at the list, unable to find anything nice on it when it was still full!
I remember considering a napkin holder that I kind of liked when someone else rudely bought up all eight of them! Hmm, you haven’t by any chance lost one of those holders and now need a replacement? If not, would it be too much trouble for you to draw up a new registry from which I can choose an item?

I know I could go “off registry,” but, frankly, I’m scared you wouldn’t like what I picked out. At this stage, I’d even buy you two tickets to the Caribbean, but how do I know what island you’d like? That would take really knowing you, and, remember, I wasn’t asked to read a poem. I do feel like I know which island Sally would like, but, Bob, you’ve always been something of a mystery to me.

Again, I feel bad about all of this, though, to my credit, I do feel the photos I took of my table with the disposable camera were of professional quality and could very well be considered a gift.

Hey, that gives me an idea! Maybe the best gifts aren’t ones that cost a lot of money but ones that come from the heart. Like, perhaps I could coach Bob’s cousins, whom I was seated next to at the back table by the kitchen, in some basic table manners. Or how about a can of Planter’s Peanuts as a friendly reminder that the next time you get married if some people get peanuts in their hotel welcoming basket, everyone should.

Or, maybe, I could finally get my chance to recite my favorite love poem. Don’t forget, Sally, I caught your bouquet.

(Mark Bazer can be reached at mebazer@yahoo.com.)
(C) MARK BAZER, DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIAS SERVICES